Dear Amy! I’ve been married for five years now and I feel like it’s more like a roommate situation. We almost never do things together.
Our sexual relationship is almost non-existent (I’m just not interested in being intimate with him anymore).
He cheated several times.
I only cheated once, and that was to get back at him.
I know two mistakes don’t make me right, but after being unfaithful, I often find myself not trusting him.
I’m torn as to what to do with this relationship.
We have trust issues and now I feel like we’re drifting apart. I take care of him, but I don’t love him like I used to.
I’m tired of arguing with him every day and want some peace and happiness in my life.
I know most people would suggest therapy, but I already know what therapists will say, so I don’t go.
With all the problems and the ongoing gaslighting, I feel like it’s time to cancel everything (he sort of agrees with me), but I can’t leave.
The fear of being alone keeps me here.
I know that when he is not at home, I am much happier.
Friends said they noticed it.
Wonder what to do?
– Lonely but not lonely
Dear Single: You say that you and your husband are roommates, but many roommates have a more honest and intimate relationship than the two of you, because if they are friends, roommates tell each other their stories.
If you really know what the therapist will tell you, then you can save on co-payments and become your own therapist by deeply exploring your behavior and motives, doing the hard work and telling the truth to move closer to peace and harmony. the happiness you are looking for.
A good therapist can also help you part ways amicably.
You seem mostly reactive—reacting to your husband’s infidelity with vengeful betrayal, and reacting to your insecurities and distrust by holding him at arm’s length.
You and your husband should have a frank conversation, starting with questions like: Do we want to stay together? If so, how are we going to change to be together?
If you really want to stay together, then both of you must sincerely commit yourself to complete emotional and financial transparency regarding your behavior as individuals and as a couple.
Fear of being alone is the worst reason to save a marriage.
Dear Amy! I retired at 62 and consider that a blessing.
In anticipation of this momentous occasion, I alerted family and friends to my decision, which gave rise to a barrage of unsolicited warnings that my body would wither and my brain become a dormant mess.
Now that I’m retired and living in a new community, well-meaning people are constantly asking me what I do all day, as if enjoying my leisure time is a crime.
In fact, I’m researching my genealogy, reading, investing, remotely reconnecting long forgotten relationships, and enjoying the life I’ve worked for 40 years.
In truth, I don’t need to explain myself to anyone, but apparently some kind of justification is expected.
Do you have any ideas on how to approach these intrusive comments?
– Life is good
Dear life is beautiful! Perhaps people ask you how you spend your time, not to accuse you of a crime related to your leisure (how dare you!), but because they are genuinely curious.
The kindest answer is to assume that they are genuine. You can say, “After I retire, I explore all the things that I was passionate about but never had time for. To be honest, I’m enjoying every day.”
If you understand that people are actually looking for a way to vilify you, you can add, “…and I play a lot of minigolf and eat ice cream for dinner. Basically, I’m Ferris Bueller, and every day is a day off.”
Dear Amy! You answered the question of the Judging Teen, who has always judged others by their clothes.
As a retired police officer, I must say that you were right when you stated that your first judgment of someone should be about your own safety.
– Retired PO
Dear pensioner! I pointed out that there are very good reasons to listen to your instincts. I hope this teenager learns to modulate his own.
(You can write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send an email to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @askingamy or facebook.)
© 2023 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.